Question and Answer: Parents

One of the tougher questions we get, from parents – How do you deal with the pain and suffering of a child addicted to drugs and alcohol?

I know this answer may be a little late, but it’s still the best answer – Don’t have children.  I’m sorry they never told us that our hearts would experience such ranges of joy, pride, sorrow, pain, and a host of other feelings we didn’t know existed prior to being a parent.  I’m not sure it would have mattered if we were told.

Let me take another shot at the answer since the first one might not have been helpful.  I was on a panel discussion in September and we got this same question.  I also ask our clients and families these same questions when I see them doing well.  Two things I heard this week that I have heard over the years.  First, never give up hope.  This world does not operate on the calendar and times of us as parents.  Change is often a very slow and painful process.  Instead of looking at your child’s life, look at your own, look at your marriage – how long did it take you to address a very complex and difficult issue?  Keep believing in the possibility of change, no matter how small it may be, protect it and keep it alive.

And second, try to allow pain and suffering to do its work.  That’s almost a direct quote from a parent who is “struggling well” several years into this issue.  For him, and many other parents I’ve worked with, there is a spiritual element to the issue of pain. Bringing a spiritual growth and maturity that isn’t found in times of prosperity.  It’s as if there is a knowledge that all these things will work together in a way that I can’t fathom in the immediate, but know that there is the very real possibility they will produce benefits in ways that are far beyond the current pain.

Question and Answer: Holidays at Home with Addicted College Students

Holidays are difficult for everyone. They are especially difficult for people in recovery. College students coming home face the challenges of being in potentially stressful family situations as well as around old high school friends that use and abuse drugs and alcohol.

There are numerous resources, treatment centers, and drug and alcohol rehab programs to consider and plenty of opinions on how to answer this question, but what is most important is having an honest conversation. Sit and talk through expectations and guidelines you have for them while at home. Keep the list short, but be very clear about expectations and responsibilities. They may be college students, but they’re in your home. It’s ok to have boundaries as long as they’re there. These expectations should include clearly communicated consequences. Be prepared to follow through.

If you have an adult child struggling with addiction, think about having an alcohol-free holiday season. Talk about activities that might be good alternatives and what would make them feel (and be) more comfortable and successful during a substance free holiday. See our Q & A blog:  One Drink?

Question and Answer: AA or not to AA?

Another in the series of “You Asked and We’re answering.”

The question we get quite a bit from clients and family members is this - Do I have to go to Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings to get sober?

Here’s your answer – No, you don’t have to go.  Every year people stop using alcohol or drugs on their own without going to AA meetings.  I’m not talking about problem drinkers or people that abuse alcohol.  I’m talking about alcohol dependent people, alcoholics.  People also stop smoking every year without formal treatment like a patch or gum.  And by the way, obese people every year lose weight without having FedEx drop off food every week.

WAIT, quick follow-up question – “Should I go to AA meetings?”

That answer is absolutely.  Every year people are able to finally stop using drugs and alcohol with the help of meetings like AA.  And every year people try to lose weight and aren’t able to do it without getting someone to help.  They go to great programs that help them finally lose weight (Places like the Cooper Clinic Wellness Program in Dallas).  And by the way, quite a bit of very good research on addictions and recovery the past decade tells us that people that include a 12-step meeting like AA in their recovery have better outcomes.

Be wild and reckless in your recovery, try the things that have helped others even when you don’t want to.  Odds are being wild and reckless is something you do well if you are addicted to drugs and alcohol.   Apply that same planning and obsessiveness to getting your life back.  Hang out with people that have done what you are trying to do.

Question and Answer: One Drink?

We tend to get quite a few questions thrown our way and we’ve decided to start answering some of those through our blog.  Here’s one of the more common questions people early in recovery are asked by family and friends is this one – “Do you mind if I have a drink?  Will that bother you?”  And what almost everyone in early recovery says is – “No, it’s not a problem”.  Since this is a blog, we have to get to the issue at hand pretty quick, so here goes.  The question is stupid and the answer is a lie.  If you want more of the answer, you can keep reading.

First, the question.  I can’t tell you how many of the people that ask this question are the same people that only weeks or months earlier were threatening divorce, unemployment, homelessness, or other punishments – if the person didn’t quit drinking.  They have seen firsthand the wreckage of the clients alcohol abuse and have been puzzled by how challenging sobriety is.  So don’t ask the question.  Just skip the drink; and if you really can’t skip the drink – call me and I’ll do a free assessment to see if you’re alcohol dependent.  Being around alcohol can release an avalanche of feelings and thoughts that often lead to relapse.  We teach clients to be smart, not strong – it’s a good lesson for family and friends to keep in mind.

As for the answer?  People in recovery know how much they have imposed/hurt/inconvenienced their family and friends.  They don’t want to do that in sobriety. Unfortunately they miss a chance to get help from the people that care about them, they miss a chance to let others be part of the healing process, they miss a chance to remind close people that everyday is still a struggle.

And let me answer that other question you’re thinking – no, I’m not trying to remove alcohol from the world.  We tried that once and found out we were the problem, not alcohol.  You can’t control what goes on in a restaurant, but you can control what goes on at your table.  You can’t keep alcohol out of the world, but you can keep it out of your house.  Be smart not strong.